You have a choice.
You might read that and roll your eyes, and I get it, I would have too.But it’s true.
Quite honestly, you have hundreds of choices that will lead you down many different roads.
Sometimes we can travel so far in the wrong direction, that we stop believing we can turn around.
I know that was the case for me… years upon years I just kept trekking in the wrong direction, ignoring the red flags, thinking they didn’t apply to me (hello ego). My intuition and instinct would pop it’s head up and suggest we turn around, but I ignored it. Turning around looked like the ‘unknown’ to me and made me feel like I would have to ‘start over’ and I didn’t know what that looked like - therefore, I did not want to turn around. I did not want to start over. I had no idea who I would be if I was heading in a different direction, I just knew I would feel exposed and that was terrifying, therefore, no thank you.
My intuition begged and warned me to reevaluate and turn around, multiple times.
My ego would block that intuition. Oh that ego, it was showing up in all kinds of ways years ago. That is not to say it still doesn’t show up or exist, I’m human. it’s just a lot different now. When my intuition would chime in saying “Hayley, we really don’t want to be this person,” the good old ego would chime in and say “we can quit when we want to, don’t worry we will change at some point.”It was like I was always waiting for something to happen. My message has always been and will always be that you don’t have to wait for a rock bottom to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol (or cocaine - or any other habits that are no longer serving you or that are negatively impacting your life).
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve traveled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around.
My identity was so wrapped up in being “the party girl” or at least that was my belief.So who was I if I was to leave a toxic relationship and toxic habits? The idea of starting over or being on my own was terrifying. It was terrifying because at the core I was completely insecure and I had no idea who I was anymore.
That shit is scary, but it doesn’t have to be.
You’re the author of your story, you can hit them with a plot twist at anytime (full disclosure, this is another quote I love and I did not come up with it).
Instead of thinking you have to start over, or being afraid that you don’t know who you are anymore, what if you thought about it as an opportunity to be you again? Maybe you don’t know who that person is anymore, and that is okay. What if you look at it as an opportunity to rediscover the version of you that you want to become?! By the way, it’s a process and not an overnight one!
It doesn’t matter why you got to where you’re at - whether that is with alcohol, cocaine, overeating, overthinking, people pleasing, etc.
For me, I had been stuck in bad habits for so long that one of my core beliefs was that I could not change. I happen to know now that it was a story in my head and a belief, but not a fact. I wish more people realized how powerful belief is. And of course it helps to have a support system, and I’m extremely blessed to have the friends and family that I do. So often I think we overlook our #1 support system and in my opinion, that is our own thoughts and our beliefs we hold about ourselves.
If you’ve been stuck in a habit that is no longer serving you and you haven’t been able to make changes, that does a lot of damage to your beliefs about yourself. But those thoughts and beliefs aren’t anchored around your ankle.
You can choose different.
Everyday.
Am I making it sound too easy? Possibly, but I don’t mean to. I’ll absolutely add that change isn’t easy and it takes work. It takes peeling back many layers. It might mean new routines, new friends, a whole new lifestyle. Different might be scary but different doesn’t mean impossible, it also may end up being exactly what you’ve been hoping for.
Our brains fear the unknown, so the second you think about making a change there will be so many limiting beliefs and self doubt that will pop up before you even have a second to consider it. Our brains will automatically try to come up with the reasons to stay in the familiar, even if familiar is no longer benefiting you.
When you think about change, what scares you the most?
Make a list with all of the reasons.
Look at that list and question it because there is a really good chance those reasons are self doubt, limiting beliefs and fears that are blocking your way.
Your mind is your superpower.
Curiosity is a superpower.
Compassion is a superpower.
I love this quote “Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back the whole time.”
For me, it rings true. When I stopped drinking and doing cocaine, it was like I saw clearly for the first time. I was able to acknowledge all of the choices that put me where I was. I was able to see my self doubt, my insecurities, and my limiting beliefs. None of that was easy, in fact it was incredibly challenging. I saw my ego for the first time, and she was not small. I stopped blaming everyone else, but I also stopped blaming me. I knew the way forward was by moving forward, not by looking back, not by pointing at anyone else, not by making excuses.
You can change.
It might feel insurmountable, especially if it is challenging to break the daily cycle of drinking or using drugs, but it’s 100% possible. If it has been challenging to change your behaviour, that has probably fractured your trust within yourself even more. Why would you believe change is possible if you can’t make it 1-2 days or 1-2 weeks without drinking (overeating, using drugs, etc). Disclaimer - it is possible and maybe you’ve just been approaching it wrong.
So what if you shift from that space of shame and blame and you start to use some curiosity and self compassion instead? What if, instead of focusing on behaviour, you start focusing on your emotion instead? How do you want to feel?
I know I wanted to feel free, and I just wanted to feel like myself again, even though I had no idea who that was. Again, that realizing was absolutely terrifying and kept me stuck for a long time.
It’s okay to feel lost.
It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to feel like no one understands (but please hear me when I say this: someone out there understands).
I had been people pleasing for years and showing up partially as me, but partially as who I thought other people wanted me to be. Why? Because I didn’t feel like I was enough.
You are enough.
We are all enough.
Your worth isn’t dictated by how your partner feels about you or how your family feels about you. We are all born worthy, but as life goes on we interpret different experiences and take on different beliefs that can ultimately disrupt our sense of self worth or our sense of belonging.
The sense of belonging I would encourage you to focus on is the one you have with yourself. That is when you can start to be unapologetically and authentically you. That is when the people pleasing realllllllly fizzles out, because you can’t be bothered by what other people think of you (which is none of your business anyways as my dad always told me).
When you start to focus on that relationship, the rest becomes background noise.
There are so many resources online or in person, depending what it is you are looking for. Not only for alcohol, but for different drugs, for narcissistic abuse recovery, for overeating etc. I can tell you that the internet is a blessing and a curse - but to be able to have support groups and information at your fingertips - well that goes in the blessing column.
These just so happen to be my Tuesday thoughts that I wanted to share with you.
I’ll forever be a work in progress, I am farrrrrrr from perfect (like real far), and that is okay. I believe in growth, healing and focusing our energy in that direction. I believe we all have the capacity to change, and that is reflected in our choices. That reminds me of another quote I dig “we must make the choice and take the chance if you want anything in life to change.”
Life is short.
You can change, and you might stumble along the way, I sure did (major faceplant if I’m being honest). But it taught me all kinds of lessons that I will be forever grateful for.
Change might be scary, but I know for me, staying the same was much worse.
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